WOW...over a year...

I have been gone for a VERY long time...That is CRAZY considering I used to write almost every day.

Many things have happened since last I was here...the largest thing...I suffered a band slip.

Band Slip

Those are two very scary words in the lap band community...BAND SLIP...BAND PROLAPSE...never google either of these terms...I had what they called a Grade 1 slip...which basically means that when you look at at your band under fluoroscope instead of it being at an angle it is straight across...This makes some very weird shit occur. For instance, I would eat a meal and it would be fine...Then a few hours later I would feel like I had a "stuck"..some from a meal prior to my most recent once would come up...The next time I couldn't even get a protein shake down...It SUCKED.

I say don't google because you will feel horrible about yourself...My slip was caused by a skin from a popcorn kernel got stuck...My body fought for about 14 hours to get it out before all hell broke loose...Most slips are caused by overeating...The systematic abuse of your band will cause a portion of your lower stomach to come above the band...This was NOT what happened to me, but that is how everyone made me feel.

To cure a slip, the first step is to remove all the liquid from your band...if that doesn't work that they will have to go in and "unbuckle" the band...the theory is like a "watch band" when it gets pushed up your arm by unbuckling it will move back into the correct position...Luckily for me, simply draining my band did the trick...So, after they determine that your band is back where it should go they start to slowly refill you. I went from 5ccs to 0ccs. When I started getting fills I got 1cc at first...the doc wanted to go very slowly...I got .25ccs every 4-6 weeks...it took FOREVER to get even the tiniest bit of restriction... After 8 months and gaining 47 pounds I finally got a bit of restriction...But my spirit was broken...

The day of my band slip I weight 230.8 pounds...just .2 pounds away from losing that prized 100 pounds...Going from decent restriction to N-O-T-H-I-N-G f-ed everything up. Over the course of the following year I gained back more that 50% of what I had lost...I topped out at 288 pounds...That is only 42.6 pounds down from where I started (330.6).

It took me a long while to get my shit back in order. I found a new endocrinologist and got back on Metformin (to treat PCOS). I am re-focused and trying to not let the stress of moving and building a new house stress me out....Granted, that is easier said than done...I have managed to lose 14 pounds in 6 weeks...I am getting back to running and my goal is to get down to 245 by the time we move into our new house...I am hoping I can use my motivation and goal to keep my sanity over the next 3 months.

I don't know if I can do it, but I am sure as hell going to try!!!

Peeves, Pleasures, Pressures, and Plans...

I fully plan to address them in that order...

Peeves:

The street sign you see above is a flippin' J-O-K-E!!! There is one just up the street from my house where the county put in a oh so lovely crosswalk. Firstly, the crosswalk is in a very DUMB place. It is just down from the top of a hill that people FLY over. My street is a major cut though street for about three subdivision to get to a highway AND a grocery shopping center. The speed limit (yeah...like that is enforced) is supposed to be 25 MPH and most people do about...oh I would say...40 MPH. My kids are NOT allowed to play out front without an adult for this very reason!

Any ways on to my peeve..NO ONE EVER STOPS! I could be like halfway though the the "cross walk" during my runs and it is more like a game of "Pedestrian Hit and Run" then "Hey, I should be safe I am in a frickin' cross walk." The only vehicle that has EVER stopped for me is a UPS truck..which I personally find ironic...Everyone else blows though...I cross the street at a sprint when I have almost nothing left with my eyes up the hill hoping I don't have to dive onto the concrete patch that is the sidewalk on the other side...It irritates me every time!!

If you are playing Pedestrian Hit and Run you get negative points for hitting someone in a crosswalk with a "Yield/Stop when occupied" sign...because you are an ass wipe!

Pleasures

Running make me happy....Running makes me feel strong and happy and regulates my hormones. I love that I have logged almost 40 miles so far this month...I challenged myself earlier in the month to see if I could run everyday. I missed a few...and by a few I mean 6 of the last 26 days....But something was different this time. I didn't let the fact that I had broken my streak stop me...Which is new for me...In the past I would "fail" and I couldn't get past it and I would let it completely derail me...Not this time...I even ran with a blister! I LOVES IT!!

Pressures

I am currently in the process of taking the CPA exam. For those of you that don't know how it works there are four parts (five if you count the self study, group, open book ethics thing) each one ranges from three to four hours each and must be past with a 75 or better on a percentile. It is GRUELING!! It has me stressed out!

I also started a new job. I am good at my job...but I feel like I have to PROVE that they made the right choice and they feel like they have to prove to me that they are the right firm for me...there is lots of proving going on at my office...lol

Plans

1) Run everyday
2) Eat right
3) Finish school
4) Pass the exam
5) KICK ASS!!!

No where to hide...This is me!

I thought I would try something a little different. I thought for once I wouldn't hide. For once, I would show the world and myself what I TRULY look like...The progress that I have made.

So with that...

I have spent the last two years trying the change my body. Regardless of how much weight I have lost (85 pounds for those of you who do not keep up with me on Facebook) I see the same thing in the mirror...I see this face...

I still see the jowls and the double chin and ever cell of fat that I have ever had puffed up in my body...

As of this morning...this is what I ACTUALLY look like...

No double chin...no jowls...no longer do I have a round face...even my eyes are slightly different. I look GREAT!! (I still have adorably weird small people though...lol)

I will admit that I hide behind them. I strategically place the people in my life to hide the body that I want to the world to never see...But honestly it isn't the world that I am hiding from. It is me. I don't want to see...

No more...So here goes... I am going to show some photos of the part of me that I love and don't love all at the same time.

#1 - Arms!!

My arms have changed SO much...I mean look at how much I have drooping down in the photo on the right...The worst part to me is that that I could knock down buildings with the movement loose skin when it gets a swinging...and that is what it is. When I was 330 pounds it was fat and skin...now at 245 pounds it is skin...and it moves...and it makes it hard to find shirts with sleeves that fit...I HATE IT!!!

But then look at the left...Look at the curve of my shoulder and the line of my bicep and my tricep...You can SEE the MAJOR muscle definition that I have managed to develop. It makes me so proud and I can't help but find my arms sexy...despite the sag.

#2 - Back!!

 I have had "back fat" since I was a kid...I have always hated it..I have always tried to hide it with sports bras and tank tops and such...I still don't like it...but still I look at these photos and I can't help but notice a few things...first..My arms...as we have already established...are AWESOME...second...look how tiny my waist is compared to my shoulders and my hips...I have an hour glass figure...this is something I have NEVER had before...I used to be a square...This shape helps me pull off the "Fit and Flare" dresses which according to EVERYONE looks good a on very few people..

#3 - Belly

 This is by far my LEAST favorite part of my body...I mean...it is all stretched out and it sags and it is HUGE...at least in my mind...I see the least amount of change in this particular area...I work out daily...Most of them utilize my abs and I know there are there...but you can't see them...Then in the right photo...you can see how HORRIBLE my posture is...What hits me the most is how I still stand like a "fat" person. I still stand like my spine is having to support an additional 80 pounds of adipose tissue...I am going to have to look into how to change this.

Special thanks to my hubby for taking all my photos...he put up with me making him retake them about fifteen times...mainly due to background...My house is a bit of a mess.

One photo that was taken that I have posted yet was the most amusing to me. I wanted to know what it looks like as I so some of my work outs. You know like a push up or a plan or something...I know what it feels like. I can feel the tugging from the excess skin. So here is the photo that my hubby took...

Keep in mind...I am only 50% of the way to my goal...But look at how much loose skin that I have. Don't take this the wrong way...I am by no means embarrassed. I look at this as an accomplishment. I have changed my body to the point that proof can be attained though photos...I can't wait to compare these photo to new photos in a year!

Where there you go...no more hiding...Everything you could ever want to see...or perhaps more than you ever wanted to see... but this is me...this is the progress that I have made. No only physically but mentally. Two years ago, heck one year ago I would NEVER have taken let along posted any of these!

I have been I around...I swear

I can't even begin to count the number of posts I have started and stopped...swore that I was going to come back to and finish later but never did.

It isn't that I have disappeared...I have been posting...somewhat sparingly at times over on my facebook page. which you can find here or at my facebook tabby thing to the right.

I don't know why...but writing a full on blog post just hasn't seemed...achievable lately.

Here is a mini update:

Beginning Weight (12/20/2012)- 330.6

Last Updates's Weight (July 17,2014) - 261.2

This Week's Weight - 250.2

Total Weight Loss – 80.4 

Back in October...the last time I had posted my weight was 264.3...so as you can see my weight has bounced around a lot. I went to an Endocrinologist mid-November and was put on Qsymia (a weight loss drug) and Metformin...I don't know HOW they work all I know is that I have lost as much weight in the last 8 weeks as I lost in the first 46 weeks of last year...13 pounds in the 8 weeks I have been on them...I ma WAY more than pleased!!

I can't guarantee when the next time I will post will be...but if you get to missing me...check up on me at FACEBOOK!!

Wow...it has been a while

Disclaimer: My mind is a little scattered today. I apologize in advance for any weirdness or incomplete thoughts contained below

I am still here....I promise!

It seems like every time I think "Oooo I should blog about that..." It just doesn't happen. Something else comes up or I decide that I am too tired or I don't even acknowledge the thought in the first place. I mean this current post is being done only because I am bored and anxious. I am sitting in a "Baby Accounting" class full of Sophomores and not wanting to study for an auditing test that I don't really want to take. The simple fact that I am pretty sure I am going to fail the exam isn't helping matters much.

Random subject change #1

I am starving today...the only bonus is that I am not at home so I can't eat more than what I brought with me. I think this is the strep talking. Or at least my getting over the strep. When I get sick I tend to retain water. It isn't uncommon for me to gain 8-10 pounds over the course of 24 hours. It can be frustrating but when my daughter came down with Strep over the weekend I wasn't exactly surprised when the scale showed a 6 pound gain from Saturday to Sunday. Despite the fact that I was diagnosed with Strep I never really felt like I was sick. I was exhausted and achy but I never had a fever or a sore throat. It didn't stop me from eating but it did prevent me from working out. I made a short walk to the grocery store and felt like I had run a marathon. I was sweaty and clammy and felt HORRIBLE it was only .5 miles one way!!!

Random subject change #2

I got a fill last Friday. It was greatly needed. I hadn't really had any restriction since my unfill in July. It took a few weeks for the irritation in my stomach to go down and then it was like my band was just GONE. I am amazed at how much I forgot in regards to the rules for having a band. I didn't make the right food choices. I didn't chew correctly. I drank side. It was a bad three months! Luckily in that time I didn't gain any weight. I also didn't lose an ounce!!

Random Subject Change #3

Blah....ok I think I am done...hope to check in again soon!!! 

Oh the changes....

It has been FOREVER since I have had a desire to post on here...

That is not to say that little snippits of my life haven't made it out onto the interweb. I utilize facebook A LOT (you can find the link to the right ->)

Anywho...so what has been going on with me?

I came up with a new short term goal for myself.

I want to weigh under 250 pounds by my 30th Birthday!

If I can pull this off I will be around the same weight I was on my 20th birthday will will render my 10 year change curve null and void....which would make me happy!

I would have officially gotten rid of ALL the baby weight from two pregnancies and ten year of being a lazy fat person who tried to convince herself she wasn't lazy OR fat!

I think losing 11.8 pounds in 14 weeks is MORE than doable....I don't want to weigh 250 lbs...I want to be under. This might also sound like a cheater a goal...and easy one to achieve but my weightloss this year hasn't been stellar. On January 1st, 2014 I weighed in at 276.6...Last Friday (8/22/2014) I weighed in at 261.6...That is only 15 pounds for the ENTIRE YEAR. It took me 35 weeks to lost 15 pounds....so my average will not carry me...I will have to work to get this accomplished!

So...I found this great quote on the internet that said.

A goal without a plan is just wish!

I like this....this makes perfect sense...I have talked to people who are like..."I want to lost 40 pounds in _____ time."  I ask them how and they reply. "Meh...It is just my goal."

Well I don't want to WISH to be 11.8 pounds lighter....I am going to do it...and here is my plan!!

Diet:
I have joined WW (Weight Watchers) Online. I know this is just about blasphmey for all of use bandsters out there that have tried this particular diet plan before and have failed...but I have my reasons and they are this:

1. Counting carbs makes me neurotic - I don't eat fruit, beans, corn, peas, tomatoes, or peanut butter because they have carbs. I can't wrap my head around the HUGE impact they have on my carb count for the day. Then...and then I feel GUILTY for eating a piece of watermelon or pineapple...I mean it isn't like I am going out and eating a chocolate cake, or a donut, or a cookie or even a chocolate bar...I am eating F R U I T!!!!....I need balance!
2. Balance - As I stated at the end of #1 I need something that allows me to have a life...I can survive on the low carb/high protien life style just fine...as long as I allow myself to eat things I want like pineapple (can you tell the missing fruit part was getting to me)...But I see all these people doing what I view to be much better than me at the whole losing weight thing and I get all CRAZY about what I am eating...then I get down and eat crap and the cycle continues...I need to find a way to make it stop.
3. WW works for me - When I USE it - I can't stress that last part enough. When I was in high school and I was trying to lose weight seriously for the first time in my entire life...I started on Weight Watchers...back when it was just the points plan. I would weigh in ever Tuesday with my mom and her best friend. I always had Tuesdays off from work and NEVER told anyone why. I managed to lost 26 pounds. Which was 10% of my body weight at the time. I managed to keep that weight off for almost 5 years until I got poor and worked 70 hours a week at McDonald's to pay rent. Then I only lived on McD's food. Gained 20 pounds back...Then I got pregnant. I have tried WW over the years since but I couldn't seem to make myself stick to it. It wasn't that WW failed me it was that I failed me...I didn't keep myself accountable and I didn't let the scale reset my thinking each week. I blamed the system and not the fat chick sneaking french fries and telling herself that if her husband didn't know about them they didn't count...So....

I have learned so much over the last 20 months that I have no doubt I can make it work for me this go around. I am sure that I will have ups and downs but I have learned that quitting because it isn't going fact enough is dumb....because at least it is going!

Exercise - I only have one thing about the WW plans that I dislike...I think WW messes up is the activity. At least for me I always figured that activity was optional. I mean...I could do it when I wanted more activity points so that I could eat more. I was treating myself like a dog. "Good girl, Pumpkin. You went for a walk...now you can have that ice cream cone from McDonald's!"  In general terms that girl doesn't exist any more.  I find being sore and being fitter and being able to make myself go out and run is WAY more of a reward then the ice cream cone or the chips or the popcicle ever were...But anyways...here is my plan for exercise!

Absolute Minimim

1. Run - Monday, Wednesday, Friday
2. Strength - Tuesday, Thursday, Saturday (<- This is typically JM's 30 Day Shred)

Ideal plan

1. Run - Monday, Tuesday, Wednesday, Thursday, Friday, Saturday
2. Strength- Monday, Tuesday, Wednesday, Thursday, Friday, Saturday. 

One of the things I have noticed most between the people whom I have watched over the last two years of their Lap-Band journey and myself is the dedication to physical activity...I mean...They do it everyday regardless if they WANT too or not. They just do it! I have NEVER done this and there is no time like the present to make a change.

Be prepared for some honesty!!
The biggest change in my body both shape and size has come from being more physically active!

Watching what and how much I ate keeps the weight coming down and not counter acting all the benefit I have done while running, lifting, dancing, playing. walking, etc.

I am a smaller size then I was in high school despite the fact that I have 30 pounds heavier...I have a waist and "womanly curves"  as my Dad has put it in some very awkward for both of us conversations :)...These are not things I had when I was 18,19,20,21-27...I have pretty much been a shapeless blob who has just gotten bigger and bigger over the years.

In the last three months I have gone down 2 dress sizes but I have only lost about 5 pounds...but my body is changing...this wouldn't be possible with just the band...this is becasue I have been using the band like a tool along with my weights and my treadmill...

Now I am going to stop half assing this process and see what me and Ronney can really do!

Stay tuned!

(Check out my facebook page....I use it A LOT!)

Check in and catch up

I have had a post open and have been working on it for the better part of a week...oh boy...I just can't focus it seems on this whole writing thing....Anywho...lets see how far we get on this one...

I recently bought a new diet buddy...His name is Tom...

He is a jawbone UP24 band. Technically his name is "Jennifer UP Band" but that was before I found out that I couldn't rename my band after I set up my account. So I don't really care what the app says...his name is Tom.

Tom is annoying and is a master of guilt trips...I have no idea what I would do without him in my life.

He vibrates at me when I have been inactive too long...he tells me when it is time to start getting ready for bed so that I can get in bed by 10:30pm. It vibrates at me when it is time to get up...using a smart alarm that goes off during a 20 minutes window when I am in light sleep...it is AWESOME!

He also makes me feel like crap when he send me messages like "I see you have only taken 4,568 steps to day that is only 46% of your goal. You will miss your goal by only 5432. Perhaps tomorrow you can be more active."...See makes you feel like crap!

I weigh in tomorrow so lets see it Tom has helped me at all!

Today, I love my jiggly wiggle bits!

Getting ready to take a shower this morning...standing naked in the bathroom I typically find myself avoiding looking in the mirror at all cost.

This is simply because there is this mean, thin girl that lives in my head that think I suck. That I am ulgy, fat, and worthless. 

I don't like her!

She is mean...she just sit up there and makes me feel like crap all the while she doesn't do anything. She doesn't even clean up my house or help cook meals or anything...I mean she doesn't even break out a stipper pole...she is useless...yet I let her make me feel like crap.

Today my shower started off differently. I looked in the mirror and simply ignored the bitch in my head. Stepping out and getting dressed I put on this dress that my daughter made me buy. It is tan and black zebra print...She LOVES tacky animal print. What I love about the dress is that it is an XL...not a 1X and XL from the normal size people department. 

Wouldn't you know it...I feel AMAZING in this dress...It is just a simple dress...nothing too special about it...but still!

Had to take photo to remember how great about myself I feel!

Wore my hair all curly....

I let my wiggly jiggly bat wings hang out...

I marveled at how much smaller my fat belly overhang is now...

At how much smaller my hips are...

At the muscle definition that I am getting in my arms and legs despite the loose skin...

You know what I did...I crammed an imaginary donut into that skinny bitch's face (her name is Brittany in case you were wondering ) and watched her writhe in pain from the gluten!...

Ok, now I am worrying about my sanity!

Perhaps I should call it a night and hope that my new found appreciation for my wiggles and jiggles last though the night!

Post 2 of 2 in the same day (The Rant)!

I didn't want to post my philosophical rants along with my weigh in. There is just something...weird about that for me...Don't know why...Call it a quirk!

Tomorrow my daughter has a birthday party to go to. It is a party for her cousin. My beautiful niece turned 6 today. She is having a spa party for some friends and my daughter is included.

The only problem is that L is Gluten Free...her friend's parent typically make arrangements for her so that she can participate. However, my family is clueless. My mother in law on more than one occasion has given L stuff she shouldn't and most of the time they try and make me feel like I and the one that is being ridiculous when I call them out over it.

*Disclaimer: Family if you are reading this and think that I am reading the situation wrong feel free to contact me in a civilized fashion and we can discuss it. If I get an irate phone call it won't end well for either of us. This blog is about me...not you!

My sister in law (not the one having the party) doesn't eat gluten and everyone seems to respect this, but not when it involves L and me. It is flat out STUPID.

Anyways, I purchased gluten free bread (wasn't feeling up to digging out the bread maker) and made L some pb&j finger sandwiches and made a gluten free chocolate chip cookie since my niece doesn't like cake and will be having a cookie cake at her party. I want her to have fun but eating gluten royally f-ups  her entire day/week/month/life!

We don't have Celiacs...L's best friend does...but we don't...we have gluten intolerance...that means we are ALLERGIC to it...and hence shouldn't eat it...It won't kill us, but it still hurts us.

After the party she is going to spend the night at her besty's house...I can take a deep breath once she goes over there. A and her mom both have Celiacs which means they have a gluten free house. It is the same reason why T feels comfortable bringing her daughter over to my house. It is a safe zone. I don't have to worry about people knowing that pretzels do in fact have gluten (which is something I have had to explain to family before). It is....nice!

Don't get me wrong I love my friends they try their best and I appreciate it!...It is my family that drives me nuts...It isn't even MY family it is my HUSBAND's family. I love them but they drive me crazy!

Gahhh!

Post 1 of 2 in the same day!

Went on vacation...

According to my scale I gained 6 pounds...Managed to get 4 of them off within two days of coming home....Down another pound from yesterday to today...I knew this would happen...Wasn't surprised. I am pretty sure that by the time Wednesday comes around I will be back where I was. Kinda hate the random gains you can have even when you are expecting them...

Beginning Weight (12/20/2012)- 330.6

Last Week's Weight - 257.6

This Week's Weight - 261.2

Total Weight Loss – 69.4

See...I didn't even post my AWESOME weight loss the week before I went to my Mom's house. I lost 3.4 pounds in a single week. My goal is to get back down to that by next week!

*Sigh*

Back to planning and plotting my next week!

You know what...I am done!

I have been struggling with my fill level for a few weeks now.

Today is just RIDICULOUS!

I haven't successfully eaten ANYTHING today.

I drank a nectar shake so at least I have gotten 40 grams of protein today.

I called my surgical center today to see if they could get me in for an unfill.

I have started to realize that I took for granted how easy it was for me to get into see them in the past.

There patient list has grown A LOT since December of 2012!

They were able squeeze me in on Thursday.

Which is good...since I am going to Denver on Friday and was getting to the point that I was pretty sure I wouldn't have been able to eat the ENTIRE time I was gone.

Like I said...I am done with this .2 ccs!

Three words for you....Paleo Breakfast Cookies

OMG...

I LOVE this blog called Gluten Free on a Shoe String

It gives some AMAZING recipies. She even capitalizes on it and has a cookbook.

One of the recipies that I found was the "Paleo Breakfast Cookie"

I am not a paleo person.

I LOVE dairy products....

I enjoy taking advantage of paleo since it is gluten free by default!

Being the total cooking/baking nerd that I am...the ONLY thing I didn't have in my pantry was the coconut flakes. This is fine...While I LOVE coconut it doesn't have all that much nutritional stuff that I worry about. I substituted it for chia seeds. Not flavor equivalent, but nutritionally sound!

Anyways...I have been struggling with finding something easy and tasty to have for breakfast. I don't have the time to make a complex meal before I leave for work. Most of the time I have a HARD time eating anything more textured then soft.

So these cookies...are AMAZING...They are also tasty!

Weigh in Wednesday

Beginning Weight (12/20/2012)- 330.6

May 28th Weight - 261.6

June 25th Weight (Last Week) - 262

This Week's Weight (Yesterday) - 260.8

Total Weight Loss – 69.8

As you might have noticed I have weighed in two weeks in a row. I have decided that while the monthly weigh ins have helped me with the stress I place on myself they are NOT helping with the accountability. I sit around all month saying "Oh, weigh in is XX days a way I can have the ice cream." Then when it is a week away I BUST MY ASS to get caught back up.

So back to weekly we go..Make myself accountable every week..and I just need to get over myself and not worry about the ups and down.

Just for proof. Stupid scale's calendar is off...weird!!

New recipes...

One of the things I have been slacking on is coming up with new stuff...

Today was an example of them...Let me draw you a picture:

You have just finished working an eight hour shift...You come home and your kids are going crazy. They are fighting over EVERYTHING but you are the bad guy when you try and stop their "play". Throwing your hands up in frustration you manage to make them dinner but you fail to give the correct yogurt to the right kid. The one that typically wants "blue" wants to pink and the one that always gets "pink" was blue...So after you mediate a trade that makes everyone happy the piranhas finally start eating. This process takes about fifteen minutes more than you would have liked...You managed to keep it to ONLY fifteen minutes by promising them that you will walk to the store after they are finished...The store that is .5 miles from your house, but at least there is a sidewalk. 

So once dinner is cleared away you start out making the trek to the store. You managed to not kill your kids on the way to the store and you only threatened their kneecaps once over the entire trip...you consider this a win!

Once home the kids break into their skittles and crunch bar but only AFTER their bath time. 

FINALLY the kids are in bed...

You look around and find that it is now 8pm...and you haven't made dinner for you and your hubby. 

What you have managed to do is thaw and clean 12 ounces of shrimp, make avocado pico de gallo along with seasoned sour cream...But no dinner...

Looking around you see that you have broccoli, spinach, cheese, butter, chicken and French's fried onions...what do you do????

Make this....

I am calling this "Greens Chicken and Cheese Casserole"...Check out the recipe page for details...

MUHAHAHAHAHA!!!

Weekend Review

I missed my runs...all week...not only did I not go on them...I MISSED them...I find myself sitting at the computer right now excited and looking forward to tomorrow so that I can run in the morning!

I did pretty well with my eating...that was until Oberwise found itself on the menu...Someday I will be able to say no to that 1000 calories (I am not exaggerating...for two scoops of their "premium" ice cream it is almost as many calories as I eat in a day)

We discovered that California Pizza Kitchen...I mean we have eaten them before...but what we learned was they now offer a gluten free menu!...This is exciting for my daughter and myself since we haven't had pizza in FOREVER!...I mean we make it at home, but finding it at a restaurant is almost impossible. So to say that we were excited to have a family dinner TOGETHER!

It was actually pretty good...My daughter was excited...

As you can see, she had a softball game...I LOVE watching her and her friends enjoy a game that meant so much to me when I was a kid...

On to Saturday...We had yet another softball game...then a birthday party... Then we had to take the kids out to my dad for "Sleep over Day"....This is one of my favorite nights of the week. It is one of the few times that I get to spend one on one time with the hubby.

We walked around the mall...

Had dinner....

Had dessert....

Had drinks...

Laughed...

Loved...

It was nice...Granted by the time 10pm came around I was missing my babies something FIERCE... So it was almost killer to me to resist going to get my 3 year old when he called all sad saying he wanted to be with me.

This is a fairly normal occurance...it wants me with he is with my dad or he wants my dad when he is with me...So it wasn't that he was actually in distress...just tired...

A skinnylicious long island iced tea from The Cheesecake Factory helped with this...lol

Sunday - I fully intended to run...didn't...slept until 10am...which is REALLY late for me!

Got up...went and bought fireworks (only spend $450 at our first stop) then got the kiddos, brought them home for naps, helped put together the chairs for our new dining room table, cleaned out the overflowing toy boxes in my sons room...went and bought more fireworks (only $120 this time)...then came dinner...

As I am sure you gathered for earlier in this post...I can't have gluten. I begin to feel shitty...My beautiful daughter also struggles with gluten. If you are lucky enough to NOT be effected by gluten then you may not understand how expensive it is. I mean, I get excited when I find gluten free pasta for less then $5 let along the buck you can buy some name brands for...anyways...I have discovered the GREATEST thing ever!

Wal-mart brand....Great Value...now makes gluten free products!

Typically in the past I would guy Annie's gluten free mac and cheese. I would pay $3.49 for a box of Mac and Cheese (think Kraft in the blue box)...At Walmart...the Great Value version was $1.28 that is only $.13 more than the blue box that we can't eat!...I was so excited....Tonight for dinner we had the Cheeseburger "Pasta and Sauce" also know as Hamburger Helper...it...was...AMAZING!

You know Gluten Free is going to get a whole lot cheaper now that Walmart is on board!

Ok I am off to bed....Talk to you soon!!!

I had a thought this morning...

I woke up to the sound of my alarm...at 5:50AM.  The sun was just peeking its head over the horizon and I knew a run was calling my name. I got out of bed and went to look at the window. Many thoughts went through my head both motivating and lazy. I looked at my warm bed half tempted just to say screw it and climb back in but I had a thought....there are many things you can do in 45 minutes...but sleep isn't one them. I pulled on my big girl panties and pounded out a run...my first in almost two weeks...

Despite the doldrums I found myself in last night I kicked that runs ass. I averaged a pace of 14:14 that is 14 seconds faster than my normal "fast" pace and I shaved 2+ minutes off my route!

Take that skinny bitch who lives in my head!

I think I might be lost

My mind is never content to just sit and repeat...

In the 18 months since I had surgery I have yet to find that magic bullet or routine that works for me...I don't mean that I am looking for some magic solution. I know there isn't one...there is no magic thing that is going to melt off the fat that took 75% of my life to accumulate on my person...

I read blogs all the time...like LapBand Gal or C Flick...they seem to have their shirt together. I have to admit I find myself jealous. I mean they struggle. Everyone does... I have read theirs when they chose to share them but the one thing they do that I have never been able to emulate...their dedication. They were able to stick to whatever they did...LapBand Gal got 60g of protien a day and ate 1200 calories or less. C Flick ran her buns off and stayed low calorie....

What is wrong with me that I can't do this?

Why am I so unwilling to sacrifice for a short time to savor that "feeling" I long for?

What is wrong with me?

I ask myself this question A LOT!

Sadly I don't have an answer. My hubby has theories...Most of them have to do with obsession/addiction. He phrases it like this...

"Many/most overweight people have a reason they are overweight. They are typically mental. Such as an emotional attachment to food, addiction to food, emotional use of food...They replace food with something else. Such as rule following or exercise..."

I don't have an emotional attachment to food...at least I don't think I do. I don't get emotional satisfaction from eating food. The three things that I would consider comfort food I don't even eat. Didn't really eat it before I had the lap-band. They would be pizza, spaghetti with meat sauce, and tuna casserole. I didn't eat them often...but they have the most emotional correlations for me. They were special day meals...Some of my best memories are tied to them...I can never recreate them...those moments. It isn't the food that makes the moments special it is the people that I was with...and the conversations that took place...Food can't replace that...and I have never thought that it could...

See this is where I get off track...Food is food to me. I enjoy it...and I think it should taste good...but the only emotion I ever have towards it guilt for shit I shouldn't eat...I mean it either tastes good or it doesn't and that has more to do with my eating habits then the mental aspect.

I sometime think it would be easier...if I had some mental reason...I would have something to work though something that I could align myself against...something to battle other then laziness....

Laziness....I think that is my problem...I am a lazy person...it is why I didn't lose weight earlier in life or when I was only 40 pounds from my goal weight in high school...I have hated working out...I hated giving up food that I like and I seem to enjoy beating myself up...I seem to enjoy feeling like I am a failure.

I mean...success is scary...How scary would it be to one day wake up and see the scale moving in the right direction...and clothes start to fit constantly...feeling good about myself...not being a failure...actually succeeding...changing.

What if I become a different person? What if some plastic bitch shows up and replaces the awesome person that I think that I am? What if the people around me don't like the new me? What if I am not actually the person I think I am?...These are scary thoughts to have bouncing around in your head when you are trying to be positive...When you are trying to make the right decisions and know that they will be worth it in the end...The balance is what I lack but apparently need.

So how do you go about training yourself to think you can do it when you have just as much evidence that you suck as you do that you rock?

I don't know what to do...I guess that I will wake up tomorrow and do that best I can...

Fake it until I make it as they say...Perhaps I will figure some shit out...if I do you will be the first to know!

Catch up and Such

So I haven't checked in in a bit...lol

So I thought that I would...

Things have been nuts...Since the last time I checked in my Mom has moved into her apartment. This has been nuts...the nice thing is though that I have burned a million calories a day taking my kids swimming. Each kid wants me to swim laps with them. My thighs have never been this sore!

My eating has been crap...well that isn't true...based on the options I had I did pretty damn good...other than the ice cream from Oberwise (my weakness) I did pretty good.

All of this together makes me nervous for tomorrow.

Tomorrow is weigh in day...

I don't really want to use my weight from last month...and I don't think I am going to. In all technicalities it was artificial. My weigh in had taken place after an unfill that caused me to go without food and liquid for almost three days. I lost ten pounds from Friday to Sunday...By the time Wednesday came around I was still on liquids but had gained back three of those ten pounds...leaving me down more then I should have been..

I guess I will decide in the morning what I wanna do...

Man looking back over June, this entire month has not gone how I planned...that is ok though...life is all about adjusting and rolling with the punches...

Ok...that is all I have today...check in with you later!

It just keeps on turning...

I think I missed yesterday...I don't remember if I posted on Facebook *Goes to look* Nope didn't post on Facebook yesterday...Damn....

Oh well...Life has been a little nuts...

I have been on an Non-For-Profit audit for the ****...Ha...Like I could/would tell you who my clients are...What type of accountant do you think I am?...lol

Anyways...I was sitting at my audit yesterday when an announcement came across the e-mail server that one of the senior accountants at my office QUIT. She just left....I mean I get the fact that in the accounting world there is no such thing as two weeks notice....No accounting firm in good conscious will keep an employee around that had put in notice. It opens the firm up to too many liabilities...so it is a no go...The real problem comes from the fact that we are a bit short handed BEFORE.

So anyways...It was supposed to be A, R, J and me on this audit. What ended up happening was just me and A on this audit. The hoopla only magnified the fact that the audit risk assessment and the basic binder prep hadn't been finished...this is stuff that I don't know how to do. I mean I can use the software but I don't know how to do the analytic risk assessment. This is the art in accounting...I do not yet have this skill...Neither does A.

This doesn't mean that we haven't been pushing though. If there is one thing I have learned in my life is that I can do anything I put my mind too...I just may not do it perfectly the very first time...lol...

So needless to say the audit is not going as planned. Granted we are being touted as "Awesome" So that is a bonus!

Tomorrow I have another day at the audit (I am hoping the last day)...My mom is on her way out here to move into her apartment...She is excited...I am excited...the kids are excited...

so with that I had better go to bed...big day a head of me!!

Catch up and some NSVs

Technically I posted yesterday...I just did it on facebook!

So I still haven't broken my streak...lol

So here is what is going on with me!

This weekend was N U T Z!

We had softball games and laziness to achieve and Father's Day to celebrate.

After my daughter's softball game (which they won btw) my hubby and I (kid free at this point) went shopping.

We bought a new dinning room table that I love. It is call the Enormous table which is totally fitting since it can seat 12 people. We only bought 6 chairs but it will be AWESOME. When I get it put together I will take a photo.

Anywho, after furniture shopping we went to Kohl's. They had everything on sale (as usual) but they also had a 20% off coupon. I am suffering from the fact that I bought ALL of my work clothes back in December. When it is cold....Now it is in the 90's most days and my long sleeve shirts are KILLING me!

So with that I went into the plus size section found a shirt that I liked...grabbed the 1x (my go to size) and went on my way. After I had found a few shirts, one of which was a large but looked like it might fit, I went to the fitting room. I slipped into the shirt that I REALLY liked but didn't think would fit. And you know what...IT FREAKEN FIT!!!

A LARGE!

Keep in mind at this point, I didn't think much of it. Figured it was just an over sized version of the shirt and had nothing to do with me. So with that I moved on to a shirt by the same designer that I also loved. This one I grabbed in an XL. I can typically slip into them if they are stretchy enough.

This time was different...I slipped into the shirt and was totally confused. I walked out to confer with my hubby. This is what I said...."Uh....Ok...It is just me...or does this look too big?" The look on his face was more of an answer than I needed...The shirt was too big!!!

Never in my life have I put back a shirt because it was too BIG. Typically it was because it was too small or wasn't cut well for my fatness...but this moment...was AWESOME!!!

All of the 1X shirts that I picked up were GINORMOUS!!!

I did manage to find a few shirts in a smaller size. First grabbing the XL and then moving on the L...So here is a photo of my NSV

That shirt you see there is in fact a L...It is a cute little Croft and Barrow tank top...I love it! and it looks GOOD if I do say so myself!

I also bought a cute little maxi dress that is an XL...

I should have been braver and went outside my typically black go to but baby steps I say...

Ok, off to bed...have an audit tomorrow and need my sleep but I wanted to share!