Monday, June 30, 2014
Today was an example of them...Let me draw you a picture:
You have just finished working an eight hour shift...You come home and your kids are going crazy. They are fighting over EVERYTHING but you are the bad guy when you try and stop their "play". Throwing your hands up in frustration you manage to make them dinner but you fail to give the correct yogurt to the right kid. The one that typically wants "blue" wants to pink and the one that always gets "pink" was blue...So after you mediate a trade that makes everyone happy the piranhas finally start eating. This process takes about fifteen minutes more than you would have liked...You managed to keep it to ONLY fifteen minutes by promising them that you will walk to the store after they are finished...The store that is .5 miles from your house, but at least there is a sidewalk.
So once dinner is cleared away you start out making the trek to the store. You managed to not kill your kids on the way to the store and you only threatened their kneecaps once over the entire trip...you consider this a win!
Once home the kids break into their skittles and crunch bar but only AFTER their bath time.
FINALLY the kids are in bed...
You look around and find that it is now 8pm...and you haven't made dinner for you and your hubby.
What you have managed to do is thaw and clean 12 ounces of shrimp, make avocado pico de gallo along with seasoned sour cream...But no dinner...
Looking around you see that you have broccoli, spinach, cheese, butter, chicken and French's fried onions...what do you do????
Sunday, June 29, 2014
I did pretty well with my eating...that was until Oberwise found itself on the menu...Someday I will be able to say no to that 1000 calories (I am not exaggerating...for two scoops of their "premium" ice cream it is almost as many calories as I eat in a day)
We discovered that California Pizza Kitchen...I mean we have eaten them before...but what we learned was they now offer a gluten free menu!...This is exciting for my daughter and myself since we haven't had pizza in FOREVER!...I mean we make it at home, but finding it at a restaurant is almost impossible. So to say that we were excited to have a family dinner TOGETHER!
It was actually pretty good...My daughter was excited...
On to Saturday...We had yet another softball game...then a birthday party... Then we had to take the kids out to my dad for "Sleep over Day"....This is one of my favorite nights of the week. It is one of the few times that I get to spend one on one time with the hubby.
We walked around the mall...
It was nice...Granted by the time 10pm came around I was missing my babies something FIERCE... So it was almost killer to me to resist going to get my 3 year old when he called all sad saying he wanted to be with me.
This is a fairly normal occurance...it wants me with he is with my dad or he wants my dad when he is with me...So it wasn't that he was actually in distress...just tired...
A skinnylicious long island iced tea from The Cheesecake Factory helped with this...lol
Sunday - I fully intended to run...didn't...slept until 10am...which is REALLY late for me!
Got up...went and bought fireworks (only spend $450 at our first stop) then got the kiddos, brought them home for naps, helped put together the chairs for our new dining room table, cleaned out the overflowing toy boxes in my sons room...went and bought more fireworks (only $120 this time)...then came dinner...
As I am sure you gathered for earlier in this post...I can't have gluten. I begin to feel shitty...My beautiful daughter also struggles with gluten. If you are lucky enough to NOT be effected by gluten then you may not understand how expensive it is. I mean, I get excited when I find gluten free pasta for less then $5 let along the buck you can buy some name brands for...anyways...I have discovered the GREATEST thing ever!
Typically in the past I would guy Annie's gluten free mac and cheese. I would pay $3.49 for a box of Mac and Cheese (think Kraft in the blue box)...At Walmart...the Great Value version was $1.28 that is only $.13 more than the blue box that we can't eat!...I was so excited....Tonight for dinner we had the Cheeseburger "Pasta and Sauce" also know as Hamburger Helper...it...was...AMAZING!
You know Gluten Free is going to get a whole lot cheaper now that Walmart is on board!
Ok I am off to bed....Talk to you soon!!!
Wednesday, June 25, 2014
Tuesday, June 24, 2014
In the 18 months since I had surgery I have yet to find that magic bullet or routine that works for me...I don't mean that I am looking for some magic solution. I know there isn't one...there is no magic thing that is going to melt off the fat that took 75% of my life to accumulate on my person...
I read blogs all the time...like LapBand Gal or C Flick...they seem to have their shirt together. I have to admit I find myself jealous. I mean they struggle. Everyone does... I have read theirs when they chose to share them but the one thing they do that I have never been able to emulate...their dedication. They were able to stick to whatever they did...LapBand Gal got 60g of protien a day and ate 1200 calories or less. C Flick ran her buns off and stayed low calorie....
What is wrong with me that I can't do this?
Why am I so unwilling to sacrifice for a short time to savor that "feeling" I long for?
What is wrong with me?
I ask myself this question A LOT!
Sadly I don't have an answer. My hubby has theories...Most of them have to do with obsession/addiction. He phrases it like this...
"Many/most overweight people have a reason they are overweight. They are typically mental. Such as an emotional attachment to food, addiction to food, emotional use of food...They replace food with something else. Such as rule following or exercise..."
I don't have an emotional attachment to food...at least I don't think I do. I don't get emotional satisfaction from eating food. The three things that I would consider comfort food I don't even eat. Didn't really eat it before I had the lap-band. They would be pizza, spaghetti with meat sauce, and tuna casserole. I didn't eat them often...but they have the most emotional correlations for me. They were special day meals...Some of my best memories are tied to them...I can never recreate them...those moments. It isn't the food that makes the moments special it is the people that I was with...and the conversations that took place...Food can't replace that...and I have never thought that it could...
See this is where I get off track...Food is food to me. I enjoy it...and I think it should taste good...but the only emotion I ever have towards it guilt for shit I shouldn't eat...I mean it either tastes good or it doesn't and that has more to do with my eating habits then the mental aspect.
I sometime think it would be easier...if I had some mental reason...I would have something to work though something that I could align myself against...something to battle other then laziness....
Laziness....I think that is my problem...I am a lazy person...it is why I didn't lose weight earlier in life or when I was only 40 pounds from my goal weight in high school...I have hated working out...I hated giving up food that I like and I seem to enjoy beating myself up...I seem to enjoy feeling like I am a failure.
I mean...success is scary...How scary would it be to one day wake up and see the scale moving in the right direction...and clothes start to fit constantly...feeling good about myself...not being a failure...actually succeeding...changing.
What if I become a different person? What if some plastic bitch shows up and replaces the awesome person that I think that I am? What if the people around me don't like the new me? What if I am not actually the person I think I am?...These are scary thoughts to have bouncing around in your head when you are trying to be positive...When you are trying to make the right decisions and know that they will be worth it in the end...The balance is what I lack but apparently need.
So how do you go about training yourself to think you can do it when you have just as much evidence that you suck as you do that you rock?
I don't know what to do...I guess that I will wake up tomorrow and do that best I can...
Fake it until I make it as they say...Perhaps I will figure some shit out...if I do you will be the first to know!
Monday, June 23, 2014
So I thought that I would...
Things have been nuts...Since the last time I checked in my Mom has moved into her apartment. This has been nuts...the nice thing is though that I have burned a million calories a day taking my kids swimming. Each kid wants me to swim laps with them. My thighs have never been this sore!
My eating has been crap...well that isn't true...based on the options I had I did pretty damn good...other than the ice cream from Oberwise (my weakness) I did pretty good.
All of this together makes me nervous for tomorrow.
Tomorrow is weigh in day...
I don't really want to use my weight from last month...and I don't think I am going to. In all technicalities it was artificial. My weigh in had taken place after an unfill that caused me to go without food and liquid for almost three days. I lost ten pounds from Friday to Sunday...By the time Wednesday came around I was still on liquids but had gained back three of those ten pounds...leaving me down more then I should have been..
I guess I will decide in the morning what I wanna do...
Man looking back over June, this entire month has not gone how I planned...that is ok though...life is all about adjusting and rolling with the punches...
Ok...that is all I have today...check in with you later!
Tuesday, June 17, 2014
Oh well...Life has been a little nuts...
I have been on an Non-For-Profit audit for the ****...Ha...Like I could/would tell you who my clients are...What type of accountant do you think I am?...lol
Anyways...I was sitting at my audit yesterday when an announcement came across the e-mail server that one of the senior accountants at my office QUIT. She just left....I mean I get the fact that in the accounting world there is no such thing as two weeks notice....No accounting firm in good conscious will keep an employee around that had put in notice. It opens the firm up to too many liabilities...so it is a no go...The real problem comes from the fact that we are a bit short handed BEFORE.
So anyways...It was supposed to be A, R, J and me on this audit. What ended up happening was just me and A on this audit. The hoopla only magnified the fact that the audit risk assessment and the basic binder prep hadn't been finished...this is stuff that I don't know how to do. I mean I can use the software but I don't know how to do the analytic risk assessment. This is the art in accounting...I do not yet have this skill...Neither does A.
This doesn't mean that we haven't been pushing though. If there is one thing I have learned in my life is that I can do anything I put my mind too...I just may not do it perfectly the very first time...lol...
So needless to say the audit is not going as planned. Granted we are being touted as "Awesome" So that is a bonus!
Tomorrow I have another day at the audit (I am hoping the last day)...My mom is on her way out here to move into her apartment...She is excited...I am excited...the kids are excited...
so with that I had better go to bed...big day a head of me!!
Sunday, June 15, 2014
So I still haven't broken my streak...lol
So here is what is going on with me!
This weekend was N U T Z!
We had softball games and laziness to achieve and Father's Day to celebrate.
After my daughter's softball game (which they won btw) my hubby and I (kid free at this point) went shopping.
We bought a new dinning room table that I love. It is call the Enormous table which is totally fitting since it can seat 12 people. We only bought 6 chairs but it will be AWESOME. When I get it put together I will take a photo.
Anywho, after furniture shopping we went to Kohl's. They had everything on sale (as usual) but they also had a 20% off coupon. I am suffering from the fact that I bought ALL of my work clothes back in December. When it is cold....Now it is in the 90's most days and my long sleeve shirts are KILLING me!
So with that I went into the plus size section found a shirt that I liked...grabbed the 1x (my go to size) and went on my way. After I had found a few shirts, one of which was a large but looked like it might fit, I went to the fitting room. I slipped into the shirt that I REALLY liked but didn't think would fit. And you know what...IT FREAKEN FIT!!!
Keep in mind at this point, I didn't think much of it. Figured it was just an over sized version of the shirt and had nothing to do with me. So with that I moved on to a shirt by the same designer that I also loved. This one I grabbed in an XL. I can typically slip into them if they are stretchy enough.
This time was different...I slipped into the shirt and was totally confused. I walked out to confer with my hubby. This is what I said...."Uh....Ok...It is just me...or does this look too big?" The look on his face was more of an answer than I needed...The shirt was too big!!!
Never in my life have I put back a shirt because it was too BIG. Typically it was because it was too small or wasn't cut well for my fatness...but this moment...was AWESOME!!!
All of the 1X shirts that I picked up were GINORMOUS!!!
I did manage to find a few shirts in a smaller size. First grabbing the XL and then moving on the L...So here is a photo of my NSV
I also bought a cute little maxi dress that is an XL...
I should have been braver and went outside my typically black go to but baby steps I say...
Ok, off to bed...have an audit tomorrow and need my sleep but I wanted to share!
Friday, June 13, 2014
My exercise plan hasn't worked out how I planned but a lot of that has more to do with things outside of my control...This may sound like a cop-out and all but even I have to learn that I do not have control over my hormones.
One thing you should know about me...is that I HATE taking medication.
I hate feeling like I am dependent upon some...chemical...to find peace.
With that...I have returned to the habit of taking Melatonin supplements before I go to bed. I tend to avoid this particular supplement. It gives me some REALLY FREAKY messed up dreams after prolonged use. That was with only 1/2 a tablet. Lately I have been taking a full tablet. I have to admit that the extra sleep and beginning to feel like a person again has been nice!
I refuse to get mad at myself for my set backs...I haven't given up and that in and of itself is a win for me!
Anyways...getting off my soap box...lol
Had another stay-cation day today...
It is little boy heaven!
We rode the train about 9,000 times and then there was a million steps.
Because of the 10,000 steps I took made it so that I didn't have to workout today...That is ALWAYS a bonus...other then the fact that I MISS working out. Perhaps I will build it into my day tomorrow!
All right...I am tired...the Melatonin has kicked in...and I need bed!
Thursday, June 12, 2014
This I have been keeping this up...but only slightly...lol
I have enjoyed keeping in touch with all of you.
I never know how far my blog actually goes or if I help any one...but helping others was only ever intended to be a side effect of this entire process. This entire blog was started for me...So that I could have a place to put my thoughts into words in order to reflect over them in the future. You might be surprised to find out how much solace I find in reading my past good times and bad. It reminds me all the time that this is a process. I didn't gain 165 pounds over a few months and I can't realistically expect to lose it in that time.
It is amazing to me how much time can go on between the start and the finish of a post. I started writing this at eleven this morning and it is now ten at night and I am still writing...and haven't gotten all that far along.
So with that....I am gunna move on to exercise
Goal # 2 - Exercise
I haven't done much. I hurt my knee last Sunday and it just won't let me do much.
Goal # 3 - Food
This has been REALLY good. I decided that if I couldn't work out my eating had to be on point....This is what my lunch looked liked...
Goal # 4 - New Recipes
I made fish tacos....This is not a new thing...I LOVE fish taco goodness... What is new is the spicy cole slaw on top. I have included it with my fish taco recipe on my Recipes page.
Wednesday, June 11, 2014
When I was in second grade and was telling my teacher that I wanted to be an accountant I don't think I could have anticipated how much I would actually take to this career. I cannot imagine doing anything else with my life; other then spending time with my family.
Witht that I am working 4 days this week which is three days more that I was supposed too but when you love what you do it is never really work....
With that I am off to bed!
Tuesday, June 10, 2014
Long day....but a much better one...
If you want more info on my day check out my Facebook page...the link can be found to the right of this post.
I am off to read a romance novel in the comfort of my bed with a protein smoothie until the melatonin kicks in!
Good night and I promise I will write more tomorrow!!!
Monday, June 9, 2014
I mean, don't get me wrong. The beginning too my day was GREAT!
I had fun at work...got to do something I hadn't done before which is always fun. Got to have lunch with one of my managers from the office who I think is amazing.
Getting off work...is where everything went wrong...
I spent the ENTIRE day on my feet, which isn't a normal thing for me. The worst part is that I couldn't find my flats...so I stood all day in my next most comfortable pair of shoes which are a pair of 2.5 inche heels...not very comfy.
So walking out to my car was KILLER!
I was about 30 miles from home at the clients office and had to meet my Dad at Chick-Fil-A to pick up my babies which added an additional 10 miles to my drive...This wasn't bad....anyways...
I am not sure when my mood switched, but I went from happy to f-ing pissed off over the course of like an hour...
Then comes picture day for my daughter's softball team...I knew about these yesterday and had filled out the order form and check early. My daughter was at JUMP all day...I was at work all day...I was only able to communicate with my father though text message which lead to my daughter with her softball uniform in flip flops and a swim suit. So we had to run home.
We get home...and she comes upstairs "Mom, I can't find the buttons" this is when I find out that L has her friend's pants and her friend had hers. So I call said friend's Mom. They aren't home and L's friend is wearing her extra pants so she didn't even notice.
Needless to say, they cut their dinner short and met me at their house so that we could get her uniform pants...note to self, buy extra pair.
Thank God this women is a god send. She also took L to the photo session so that I could take D home to his Daddy. It was one of the most stressful hours of my life. Anything that could have gone wrong did...
So to sum up my day...I love my job...I love my kids...my knee and feet are KILLING me...I am pissed off at the people in my life who decide that moving my shit around my house and containerizing it into bags is helpful...I hate that the one person in my life that give me the most support is SO unhelpful..
I am going to go to bed before I KILL someone or eat and entire pie by myself!!!
Sunday, June 8, 2014
I have a TON on my mind but there is so much gunk in there that I just don't feel like sorting it out right now...
So there is this....Hope you enjoy!
- Chick-Fil-A Chicken Tenders - They are one of the few things that I break my "No Gluten" rule for.
- Simple Tuna Salad - Made of canned tuna, mayo, and mustard
- Cheese - I heart me some curdled and pressed milk...as long as it isn't bleu...lol
2) If you could meet any 3 people, living or dead, who would they be and why?
- Lap Band Gal - Finding her blog gave me the courage to go though with surgery. I found solace in the fact that she is a person just like me. That she struggles with life and love and balance just like me.
- C Flick - She is an amazing person who manages to balance life, and kids, and exercise, and such. She was also a MAJOR reason I finally learned how to run. I never thought I would do it...until she did it. She was just like me...if she could do it so could I! Thank you C Flick!!!
- Luka Beth - She is amazing. I just wanna give her a hug!
3) What is your stripper name? (take the name of your first pet and the name of the street you grew up on)
- Kacee Rangeview - that is a bit...weird...but amusing...lol
4) What is your LEAST favorite part of your bod since losing weight? Your MOST favorite since losing weight?
- This one is a tie between my fat belly overhang and my bat wings... - I hated the belly overhang BEFORE I started losing weight...but now it is all jiggly...and it makes this HORRIBLE slapping sound when I run and I have to wear this super tight almost embarrassingly tight pants in order to get my run on. With the bat wings...it is like having pizza dough attached to the back of my legs...It slaps around when I exercise and looks HORRIBLE!
- My arms - Over the last year, while my bat wings have gotten HORRIBLE, my upper arms have toned up and I have a TON of muscle definition that I find sexy...so that little bit of sexy I marvel at and enjoy all the time!
- I do not believe in ghosts or evil spirits. While I believe there are always things out there that can't be explained yet...I don't believe it is people hanging out after they died...
6) What is your natural hair color? If you dye it something completely different from what your momma gave ya, how come?
- Very dark brown, almost black - I dye it....I dye it a lot and often. At the current moment the ends are auburn with red and blonde highlights, with black roots and a LARGE purple streak. I change my hair color ALL the time...I have done this since I was 13. This was when my parents separated. This was also my first year of Junior high and kids started making fun of me for being "fat"...My hair color has always been the one thing in my life that I can control and change...
7) Bikinis or granny panties?
- Bikinis...I have never worn granny panties...Before I had kids I use to wear thongs but that is a story for another day...lol
- The new Star Trek Movie - I LOVE LOVE LOVE Star Trek and I LOVE LOVE LOVE the new reboot of TOS. I am also completely and totally in love with Chris Pine, have been since "Princess Diaries 2"
- Victorian Era Romance novels - there is something about the chaste courtships that sits just about the sexual passion that is amazing for taking my mind off school, work, stress. I can down one of these books in only a few hours. Some of the best ones make me laugh and cry...I LOVE THEM!!!
- 69 pounds...for the first time in my life I am certain that I will never see this weight again. My weight might be coming off slower then I like but I am sure that that is a MAJOR reason why I will end up being successful.
Saturday, June 7, 2014
I mean I mention them...I touch base on them a little...but I never really TRULY speak of them.
Today was a struggle.
My band doesn't stop head hunger or lack of self control.
If I eat when I am not hungry, or eat more than I need too...that is on me.
After this point is when the self loathing kicks in....The negative self talk gets to you and you turn to old vices. "Well, I already f-ed up my day why not go for the gold." So then you turn and you eat more...
And the vicious cycle continues.
The only saving grace is that, unlike in the past, I can't eat as much as I once could. I can't overeat since the band just won't let.
So at least in this instance it slows me down.
It helps a little
I found myself reverting back to the days when I was almost afraid to allow myself to feel hungry. I would eat because it seemed like "it was about time" or that "Would be hungry soon." or the absolute worst one...I am NOT hungry AT ALL and I would eat because those around me were eating...
I am hoping that going to bed will reset my brain...I am hoping for a better tomorrow!
Friday, June 6, 2014
I didn't do my 30 day ab challenge stuff....
I didn't post on my blog...
I had a GREAT day yesterday....I managed to get my ass up and out of bed by 5:50 am...I knocked out a 3 mile run by 6:40 am...
It was beautiful...for the rest of the day...I didn't have to worry about getting my workout in for the remainder of the day....this is something I FULLY intend to repeat....it didn't happen today...I was pretty tired and had a long day today...
Today...we went to the zoo...
It was the first day of our Summer Stay-Cation....We are doing this a bit differently this year in the sense that instead of taking one week and doing a toursty type thing we are doing it every Friday...Thanks to my new awesome job...lol
So at the Zoo I took an opportunity to "Recreate" a photo from the past....It was taken in 2011 shortly after I had my son....I thought I would share this little gem with you....
I know this isn't true...But still....
Ok so after out trip to the zoo I had a fill appointment...and we had a softball game (which we lost) and I had to squeeze in grocery shopping....
Needless to say I am EXHAUSTED!!!
So with that...nite nite!
Wednesday, June 4, 2014
Once again I find myself laying in bed and realizing that I haven't posted yet today...
Today was boringly unproductive despite the millions of things I had to do.
My daughter caught a softball for the first time ever...She was very excited!!!
Ok off to bed I go....hopefully tomorrow is better!!
Tuesday, June 3, 2014
The truth is I LOVE how I feel when I exercise in the morning...I just can never seem to get my lazy ass out of bed. Take this morning for example....I had my alarm set for 5:30am. When the alarm went off this morning I was like...dang I don't wanna get up...So I looked at the clock and it was 7:00AM!!!! I have no idea who this happened...My hubby figures that one of two things took place....either I turned the alarm off BEFORE it has a chance to go off...or I turned it off AS SOON as it went off before my hubby and I fully woke up...I HATE that I do this....but it isn't abnormal!
This subconscious desire to remain in beds leads to me working out at 9:30pm. Perhaps someday I will embrace this but for now it still urks me.
So on to my exercise for the day....
Today's challenge was *drum roll please* WIND SPRINTS!!!...I have never done them before. They are comprised of 20 seconds at 8.0 mph and 60 seconds at 3.0 mph. I managed to do 15 sprints in the 20 minutes I was on the treadmill (not counting the 3 minute warm-up and 4 minute cool down)
Man these made me tired....I HATE how much I enjoyed doing these...They will definitely be built into the normal schedule.
So the reason I am amazed that I am still alive is because of the "30 Day Ab Challenge"...
Day 3 wasn't anything too crazy....25 Sit Ups, 10 Crunches, 10 Leg Lifts, and a 15s plank....But good lord...I started off sore and then did them AFTER my wind sprints. Thank god tomorrow is a rest day!
So, my food today was AMAZING...I was pretty proud.
I made a lean 1 shake for breakfast...
Pack a lunch that was only 282 calories and 17 grams of protein. While the protein count could have been higher it was AMAZING!!!
Snack when I got home was a cheese snack
Dinner was a naked Mango Mojo burrito with sour cream and chips...it was AMAZING...
After all of this I was at a little less than 1300 calories...
So after all of this I elected to go over my calories by a bit more in order to drink a Nectar protein shake and had a sting cheese...I can't imagine how sore I would have been tomorrow if I didn't take in the 40 grams of protein....
Well, I am done rambling...tomorrow I am going to spend the day with my favorite blonde haired man...My baby boy D!
Monday, June 2, 2014
Man this 30 Day Ab Challenge is going to kick my ass.
Anyways....short summary of the day.
Had to work. It was the first day of my first ERISA audit. For those non-accountants out there it is a DOL (Department of Labor) audit on 401(k) plans that have more than 100 participants. They are fun and a nice change from assurance audits.
Came home...took my kiddos to the track....walked a mile while I talked with my Dad...didn't really get a workout done but I completed Day 2/30 for my ab challenge.
Tomorrow I don't have to be to work until 10am so I am hoping to get to bed (I say as I lay here typing feverishly with my thumbs) and get up at 5:30 to go for a morning run.
Ok...So with that I sign off...just wanted to keep up my streak.
Sunday, June 1, 2014
I woke up tired and just feeling...yucky....That is my big grown up word for how I felt.
After being up for about an hour I feel asleep on the couch which was the worst mistake I could have made. It is like sleeping on a medieval torture device....H O R I B B L E !!!
I just seemed/felt/have been feeling so angry lately...I need to work on this before it manifests in other ways.
Anyways, to touch on that later, my baby girl had a softball game today.
I apologize for the randomness in this post...I am just trying to get these thoughts out of my head...
So after all was said and done I went out for a run...it was horrible...
I only ran about 1.34 miles before I started walking. That means that I walked 1.66 miles. I had to finish because I was out side and I had to finish or not go home. Again, I felt icky...yucky...gross...and just wanted to give up. But I didn't, I didn't call my hubby and make him come get me.
I even finished my Day 1 of the 30 Day Ab Challenge.
So with this randomness...I am going to go to bed...and sleep and hope to get up and run again in the morning.