I think I might be lost

My mind is never content to just sit and repeat...

In the 18 months since I had surgery I have yet to find that magic bullet or routine that works for me...I don't mean that I am looking for some magic solution. I know there isn't one...there is no magic thing that is going to melt off the fat that took 75% of my life to accumulate on my person...

I read blogs all the time...like LapBand Gal or C Flick...they seem to have their shirt together. I have to admit I find myself jealous. I mean they struggle. Everyone does... I have read theirs when they chose to share them but the one thing they do that I have never been able to emulate...their dedication. They were able to stick to whatever they did...LapBand Gal got 60g of protien a day and ate 1200 calories or less. C Flick ran her buns off and stayed low calorie....

What is wrong with me that I can't do this?

Why am I so unwilling to sacrifice for a short time to savor that "feeling" I long for?

What is wrong with me?

I ask myself this question A LOT!

Sadly I don't have an answer. My hubby has theories...Most of them have to do with obsession/addiction. He phrases it like this...

"Many/most overweight people have a reason they are overweight. They are typically mental. Such as an emotional attachment to food, addiction to food, emotional use of food...They replace food with something else. Such as rule following or exercise..."

I don't have an emotional attachment to food...at least I don't think I do. I don't get emotional satisfaction from eating food. The three things that I would consider comfort food I don't even eat. Didn't really eat it before I had the lap-band. They would be pizza, spaghetti with meat sauce, and tuna casserole. I didn't eat them often...but they have the most emotional correlations for me. They were special day meals...Some of my best memories are tied to them...I can never recreate them...those moments. It isn't the food that makes the moments special it is the people that I was with...and the conversations that took place...Food can't replace that...and I have never thought that it could...

See this is where I get off track...Food is food to me. I enjoy it...and I think it should taste good...but the only emotion I ever have towards it guilt for shit I shouldn't eat...I mean it either tastes good or it doesn't and that has more to do with my eating habits then the mental aspect.

I sometime think it would be easier...if I had some mental reason...I would have something to work though something that I could align myself against...something to battle other then laziness....

Laziness....I think that is my problem...I am a lazy person...it is why I didn't lose weight earlier in life or when I was only 40 pounds from my goal weight in high school...I have hated working out...I hated giving up food that I like and I seem to enjoy beating myself up...I seem to enjoy feeling like I am a failure.

I mean...success is scary...How scary would it be to one day wake up and see the scale moving in the right direction...and clothes start to fit constantly...feeling good about myself...not being a failure...actually succeeding...changing.

What if I become a different person? What if some plastic bitch shows up and replaces the awesome person that I think that I am? What if the people around me don't like the new me? What if I am not actually the person I think I am?...These are scary thoughts to have bouncing around in your head when you are trying to be positive...When you are trying to make the right decisions and know that they will be worth it in the end...The balance is what I lack but apparently need.

So how do you go about training yourself to think you can do it when you have just as much evidence that you suck as you do that you rock?

I don't know what to do...I guess that I will wake up tomorrow and do that best I can...

Fake it until I make it as they say...Perhaps I will figure some shit out...if I do you will be the first to know!